Perhaps it wasn’t

July 5th, 1988
I’m twelve. I’ve told mum and dad about the abuse at Lodden Junior School. I’ve been having some flashbacks for a month now. The teachers there are going to transfer him out. They said he won’t teach again but I know he will. My Dad keeps saying “Pull your socks up, boy.” I feel like it’s all my fault. I’m ashamed. Mr. James, you evil, shitty bastard. Did it happen to others, as well? Mum and Dad have told me I’m going to the same school’s senior school, just like Dad. My friends will be there. Maybe it will be okay. I just don’t know. I’m writing a diary so I can feel better. Not for evidence. I live in Elgin, Moray in a very large house. I love my dog, Nairn. He’s a yellow Labrador. I’m waking up late, for it’s summertime. Sometimes I eat cornflakes and rich creamy milk at 1 p.m. My mum wonders why I am waking up so late. Now here is my secret. I am eating a lot of food. I sometimes eat 3 mars bars, 5 flakes, and 10 packets of crisps. And then I run and run and run around Elgin. I pass by the supermarket and buy more food. I also buy some cigarettes, Silk Cut, and no one cares in the shop that I’m not sixteen. I feel like no one cares about me anymore. My friend John goes to the local school and gets to go home to his warm stone house every night. I envy him. Oh, apparently I am ‘good looking’ my friend Mark told me. The girls like me. I had a girlfriend before that night. But that night changed everything.
September 1988
Graveland School. Rummer House.
Wow I’ve been here for three weeks now. It’s pretty cool. I am in the popular group. Lessons are okay. I’m smart but I’m just not applying myself. Who cares ? It’s third form. Guess what? I have an amazing ggirlfriend called Ruthy. She lives in the house way at the other end of the grounds. Winny LOdhge. All the boys like her. She is mine. I am listening to sixties music. I wish I grew up in America , in the sixties. It would be so romantic. She, Rthy has long dark curly hair and blue eyes. I am still eating a lot and exercising. This morning I ran to the graveyard. At 5 a.m. Then at the refectory for breakfast I ate six sausages and 4 has browns, 3 eggs. You can go back for more. The food is good here. They have sticky toffee pudding for dessert. I’m okay when I’m not thinking about Mr. Jones. Am I a fag? I don’t think so. But…. More tomorrow.


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